In Memoriam of Gary Gygax

Hey to all of my 3 readers. This essay was the 4th assignment in my writing class--we were supposed to write a satire. I had to look up the precise definition of satire before I began. Yes, I was an English major. Yes, I am bowing my head in shame. I decided to write something in the style of the Onion's op-eds. With the news of Gary Gygax's death, and the Darkon documentary on IFC, this subject was occupying my mind recently.

I will be avenged!
By Lord Fenwick of Gillygate

“Warriors! Mages! Brothers in arms! Our fair kingdom of Darkon has been befouled, the plains of La’nag have been overtaken by a pervasive evil…what? What do you mean, “where are the plains of La’nag ?” Haven’t you been in the guild for like, two years now? Whatever, it’s past the soccer field, near the picnic area. Jesus. Anyway, a foul enemy, Caldorn, has betrayed me, your noble leader, and thus us all. No, not Kyle, Caldorn. Caldorn! You know, that guy Steve? You met him the other day at my Lord of the Rings marathon. Yes, that guy who was hitting on Trish. I mean the Lady Niviana. Thanks for promptly bringing that to my attention by the way. Jerk.

As Hadrian the Fair just helpfully pointed out, it was at that merry gathering where the seeds of Caldorn’s treachery were sown. His hands were swift to light the Lady Niviana’s clove cigarettes, his feet were fleet in bringing her flagons of Moutain Dew and Peach Schnapps, and his eyes were oft-times fixed on her bounty. Her bounty. Yes, I mean her tits. Are you done laughing? I’m not going to continue if you keep interrupting me Jeff. No, I’m not going to refer to you as Hadrian the Fair until you can act with the maturity of the level 12 fighter you are supposed to be. Done? Okay.

At the party, I was full of cheer, and admittedly, spirits, and so failed to recognize that Caldorn’s intentions toward mine lady were anything but pure. However, I quickly discovered my folly. The next day, the Lady Niviana called me to cancel our outing to the Ravenna Renaissance Fair, claiming that her evil overlord was requiring her to work an extra shift at Hot Topic®. I was sympathetic to my lady love’s plight as my own overlord, Bryan, can be such a douche sometimes, and decided to bring her some savory victuals from Sbarro® to dine on during her lunch break.

On the way to Hot Topic®, I cast mine eyes in the direction of Barley’s Brew Pub across the mall to see what specialty ales the barmaid was serving up. There I saw that blackguard Caldorn clasping mine lady’s hand! Whilst I was halted by the shock of such betrayal, Caldorn stood, kissed Niviana—who is decidedly, no lady—and went to the bathroom. I strode to the bar to confront this inconstant trollop. She told me that she “needed a break.” According to her, I take my duties as the leader of this guild “too seriously.” When I noted Caldorn also engages in live action role playing own membership in the guild, she told me that “Steve” thought the guild was “lame” and was going to quit and take up co-ed soccer instead. Soccer?? I should have known of his low character last month when I spotted him buying an NFL-themed PS2 game.

Caldorn is a villainous rogue who has made a cuckold of me! We will be avenged of his base treachery! Leofrick the Terrible, grab your mace, Hadrian the Fair, ready your sword, Fendral Silverleaf string your bow! What’s that Hadrian? How could you forget to bring your sword?? Okay, you know what, Jeff? That’s it. I’ve had it. You are officially out of the guild. No, don’t bother apologizing, it’s too late. I’m changing our story line so that your retarded character is easily picked off by a level 3 mage. I don’t care if you are my brother man, you deserve it.
The rest of you, make for the plains of La’nag where I have it on good authority that Caldorn is currently playing a soccer match. Although our numbers are few in comparison with the soccer team, we have the greatest advantage--that of surprise.